Saturday, October 18:

Well, I went for chemo. There had been "words" in the week about how I should carry on and finish what I've started. Both Alan and Hilary had a go and Laura, of course.

I nodded sagely at them and said nothing because they all love me and have my best interests at heart, but I am a very stubborn person sometimes and inside I was screaming "this is my life and my decision"!

Stubborn or not I am (hopefully) not stupid and reasoned that I would at least go for this one and I am due to see Dr Ah See very soon, when I plan to ask her if I can cut the sessions and will it hurt.

Davina was telling me that her friend who went through the same thing, only did four sessions, so I want to ask why some people need more or less. The lady in the chair opposite me today was on her 12th! It made me feel silly. Anyway, I will find out as this tiredness is overwhelming.

When I was speaking to a lady in The Marie Curie Shop she helpfully (not) told me that her sister was even more tired when she had the radiotherapy. The answer is obvious and probably much better for me and that would be just to stop and rest more – I said I was stubborn.

Anyway, the waiting this time was only three hours – still a long time – but not as bad as last time. I was admiring the beautiful pink turban-type hat on one of the ladies in the waiting room. It was a scarf which she had obviously tied expertly and was sitting on her head like a designer hat. I kept stealing furtive glances at it.

I have three looks now, apart from bald, and they are, Hilda Ogden, Lawrence of Arabia or my latest headgear donated to me by a friend of Hilary's, who has just finished chemo and now has hair, the Buff tube.

It's actually a lightweight, long, jersey knit-type of material which has endless uses – if you know how. It is very comfortable indeed and best of all, grips and stays put in the wind.

Now, if you're arty you can do so many things with it. I am not, so have to be content with jamming it on my head and tucking the end bit behind, which actually still looks a lot better than my other two versions, if you don't mind looking like a Smurf!

Remember them? Unfortunately Alan did, which is unusual as he has a terrible memory normally and wanted to fetch his newly-refurbished vintage Eko guitar and sing the song to me. Fortunately, it was at this point his memory failed. There is a God after all.

However, I fancied that the lady in the pink creation was looking at me in a most pitying way and kept reaching up to make sure my "Buff" hadn't slipped and was living up to its name!

Unfortunately, I was sick again once I was home, despite the extra anti- sickness stuff given to me and I have also run out of my tablets – which I did mention but then forgot in my haste to run away. There also had to be two "stabs" at my vein again, but it wasn't too painful and infinitely better than having to have a permanent port put in.

All those changing of the dressings etc, are far too much dithering about at hospitals for me. At least my veins are bulgy and springy, even if they're a bit shy! Davina was just texting me to ask how it had all gone and I had to text her back between bouts, which went something like this:

Fine thanks "bluuuurrgggghh" being a little sick at the moment "huuuuwweeey" have to go now.

Thank goodness she is a nurse and understands these things and thank goodness for texts - at least you can carry on at your leisure so to speak privately throwing up while happily (!) texting your friends. Still, at least they don't get sound effects like my poor family!

Today I am really really wasted and need to lie down every half hour or so, which I am just about to do. You get up, think: "I can do this" and halfway through there is a "personal energy" power cut and we all know what working on candle power is like, so there's nothing for it but to give in.

Websites I have found useful:
Breast Cancer Care
Cancerhelp.org (the patient information website of Cancer Research UK)
Netdoctor.co.uk
Scarf Studio (scarfs and bandanas)

After, that is, I have checked the dog hasn't slipped through that minute hole in the hedge after the fox he is convinced has taken up residence in the junk behind our neighbour's shed. It wouldn't be too bad but being a terrier he gets "terrier tunnel vision and deafness" when hunting and he will not come back at all.

He is a superb hunter and is second to none at "ratting" – we have seen him in action! This does not bode well in this case, though, because he absolutely hates next door's Dalmatians (and the feeling is mutual on the Dalmatians part), therefore he will not come home and I am forced to run next door before there is an illegal dog fight and embarrassingly ask for our dog back, please!

My next job today is to block up that hole!

Wednesday, October 22:

I have been like a beached bald whale since Monday. Can't move, can hardly get to the toilet and then when I do there's no point in being there (if you see what I mean!) Plenty of food going in, though!

I have blown my carbon footprint this evening by following the whale theme and basking in the bath, topped up several times! I have had a very bad day with Laura, who is on half term and I just haven't got the energy required to deal with a young lady with her condition who can't understand my condition.

While I lay in the bath listening to Alan trying to remonstrate with Laura that Mum must have some rest and just cannot do the things she used to do until she's better it occurred to me that my life has started to compare to a bonfire. Hang in here because this is no brain talking now!

I was thinking that November 5th, which was my father's birthday, is almost upon us. The night when the dog tries to climb your leg with sheer fright and unadulterated terror while you turn the telly up and pretend it's not happening.

That which is a symbolical burning of unwanted rubbish, well, that's how my life feels at the moment – a heap of rubbish that needs sorting, which is of course is what I'm trying to do.

It is very hard to do anything, however, with no energy level at all and goodness knows what I was thinking when I swallowed the double dose of laxatives in sheer desperation because I felt so ill and bloated!

PS People have been kind enough to drop me a line from all over the world after reading my blog and here's the latest from Judith in southern India. Many thanks and if you want to say hello, click on the link below the letter.

Hello Su,
By chance I found your blog on LutonToday (actually I was drawn to another article first) and then began reading from blog 1 to 24 all in one go! All kinds of emotions overtook me, and I am with you still at blog 34! What an incredible woman you are! I'm a 59-year-old woman, originally from Bletchley, but have been living in Mangattaparamba, a village in North Kerala, Southern India, for 30 years. My husband and I both worked at the Open University, Milton Keynes, before coming here. The monsoon rains are early this year, normally starting in June, but they have refreshed the crotons, hibiscus, bourganvilla and so many plants as the mango season is in full swing after many days of scorching sun and temperatures up to33c. Please let me take this opportunity to welcome you any time here. Greetings from beautiful Kerala to you, Su, and your lovely family – as there is more than a six-month time span from the written blog till now, I sooooooo hope you are feeling like Su of old again! I work full time for a company called S B Global as a master trainer for students (adult) of Communicative English, so it's tiring, but inspirational Su is the motivator.
Regards,
Judith.


Part 36 next week

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