Friday, October 24:

I can't believe I've been such a pathetic, hopeless, whining, whinging, "I want to give up chemo" and "poor me" sort of person just lately. What is the matter with me? Where has all the "I'll do anything and keep on till it takes everything" bravado gone that I was writing in my diary in earlier weeks?

I am not going to be pathetic any more, only positive. So, I'm positively sure that I have never been so tired in my life and yesterday I lay on the bed most of the day while the maelstroms of life (Laura) and the wonders of nature (dog) alternately shouted or barked about something.

Laura, trying to understand the assignment on the work of Gregor Mendel (who?) and the dog trying to leap through glass at anything that moved in the garden. I lay there weakly mumbling things like: "I can't help I'm afraid – I just need to sleep for a while" and things like that.

It was total noise pollution which didn't abate until I was forced to go out in the afternoon to accompany Laura to her counselling and staggered round the shops until she had finished. That was the first time I had been out since last Friday!

Being home is not all bad. I love my home and all that it entails and have never really been a "going out" person (just as well!). Alan will tell you that I could probably happily become a recluse – in fact I think I probably have – and be content with just doing things around the home.

I'm (was) always DIYing or making something for the house, so I've tried to shift that slightly to baking and creating edible things! Not this week yet, but I will be fine by tomorrow I'm sure, so out will come Jamie or Nigella. It's interesting if nothing else just seeing if it is edible.

Today, it's raining and the garden is alive with birds of all different kinds. It is like a fairground of flight with robins twittering and pulling at branches, blue tits (mine's still got that patch of blue by the way!) clinging on to walls and thrushes coaxing the worms out while several varieties of other birds are bathing in my tatty old bird baths, splashing copiously and luxuriously.

I watched for a while – something I normally have no time to do – and was entranced by the sheer volume of activity. Luckily, my huge ginger tom, Tango, and his sister Fizz are sleeping off the excesses of breakfast. Funny how birds seem to know!

Alan came home with some new "rent-a-tent" tops for me today. I haven't the energy to shop. The others must have been bad for him to notice. They are men's, of course, but they will do!

There, no more being pathetic. I am going to find the good side of every day. It might not be the best but it will be better than lying in the gutter face down, looking straight down the drain! If I can't get out then at least I can get on. Time is something that I have a lot of to manage at the moment and believe me I am grateful for that.

Monday, October 27:

Because I am not able to go out much there is very little in the way of things happening and news is limited, apart from domestic goings on.

Today, I feel much much better than even last week. Things seem to improve just as dramatically as they go down. Just when you think you really cannot bear to feel like that for another second – it goes.

I am definitely very limited in energy, but short bursts mean that I can carry on with my life – just in a different way and it will not last forever! I seem to spend most of my time lurching from room to room wondering what I'm doing there or what it was I was going to do, waiting for some illumination in those dark recesses where my brain used to be.

I then remember (sometimes), say to the dog, or even myself: "Hooray, I've remembered." Laura then shouts out: "What did you say", I say: "don't worry I'm talking to the dog", Alan then says: "Sorry, I didn't hear that," Laura says: "Don't worry Mum's talking to the dog" and then I say to Laura: "What did you say?" You see how its goes here...and by that time I've forgotten again!

Websites I have found useful:
Breast Cancer Care
Cancerhelp.org (the patient information website of Cancer Research UK)
Netdoctor.co.uk
Scarf Studio (scarfs and bandanas)

I have not lost any more "body" hair, it's all gone a bit thin but I still have eyebrows as I write and my eyelashes are intact. Leg hair in abundance (unfair) but not much under arm fluffies.

My head seems to have developed a sort of "fluff" which when viewed with the light behind it looks just like a halo – an irradiated halo – but its there! I'm seeing Dr Ah See on Friday, so I hope to have more news about how my chemo is going then.

Wednesday, October 29:

There are not many things in life that make you want to shout and whoop for joy and recently there certainly hasn't been anything to even remotely come near to those feelings but today... well, today was like Christmas Day, complete with snow – no really.

We have woken up to snow on the ground and Laura has passed her driving test even though the weather forced the DSA to cancel all the morning tests. Laura went ahead and passed hers at 2.30pm today. This has been a very long, very hard road for Laura and for us.

For more than several reasons including my having cancer, I have really wanted her to be independent and throughout the past long, long 15 months we have cajoled, wheedled, tempted, encouraged and downright bribed Laura into this very moment.

It is much harder for someone with an autistic disorder to master the art of driving. It doesn't compute well as no two things are ever really the same on any journey, it is not well ordered and is full of unscheduled interruptions that you cannot anticipate, so it was always going to take Laura longer than the average person.

There have been many "setbacks" including the swapping of instructors and one cancelled test. We have been determined and united, however, and recently resorted to blatant bribery by dangling a pink Smart car in front of her as the prize. This has worked a treat, I'm not ashamed to say, and if I dropped off the planet tomorrow it would be with a contented sigh, knowing that Laura can get herself from A to B without having to ask someone.

It made me cry with relief and shout with joy. We all whooped and jumped up and down. Laura has surprised herself at a time when her self esteem is at an all-time low and given us all a real boost. I could even hear my late mother cheering us on.

We ate, drank and made merry. Believe me, it was a very rare moment to see Laura that happy and for us all to be united in her success. For several hours I forgot about cancer and chemo while we all enjoyed being a normal family. Christmas definitely came early this year!

Part 37 next week

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