Confessions of a planker

But confession time: I didn’t manage this miraculous feat on my own, oh no. It was achieved with a little help from my cyber savvy colleagues Sally-Anne and Laura, who decided it was high time I joined the world wide web.

But there was techy trouble from day one. Every time I tried to access my account, a pop-up claimed I hadn’t completed my registration. And in my haste to get onboard, online, whatever, I seem to have acquired two accounts. And, astonishingly, I appear to be friends with me on both. Which led one dear friend to comment: “Narcissistic - moi?”

Early on I realised this allegedly easy-going communication system smacked of Big Brother.

I developed Facebook phobia, after receiving ‘notifications.’ Had I been caught speeding, shoplifting, or worse? Who knows?

It’s all a bit S&M, isn’t it? Click on Notes and a message pops up scolding: “You have not written any notes.” This is followed by the order: “Write a note.” I’m left cowering in case I receive another ‘notification’ for failing to do as I’m told.

As for ‘sharing’ photos with my friends – 40 at last count and several allegedly waiting – that’s another leap into the unknown. I haven’t the foggiest how to put them on my computer, let alone transfer them to Facebook. Pictures or people.

Even logging on is fraught with fear of failure. After evading on-screen distractions (like ‘Find new friends’) or returning from random web sites clicked on in error, I’ve usually lost the will to live – let alone the ability to exchange witty repartee with my Facebook family.

I get confused with my ‘wall’ and my ‘home.’ Are they one and the same? Or am I just old and addled?

Where do people find the time to scroll through everything, let alone reply? And my email inbox now has 860 unread messages while I try to get to grips with this new feller on the block . . .

And shock, horror! Just as I’m finally getting the hang of responding to invitations and sending mocking comments, a headline screams: “Are we finally falling out of love with Facebook?”

Typical. I’m always the one who latches on to a new fashion – think bell bottoms, Flower Power, etc – just as it’s fading.

Twitter, I’m told, is easier.

But I have a new passion – planking. Again suggested by intrepid newsdesk chums Sally-Anne and Laura, who find it endlessly amusing thinking up jolly japes to keep this elderly hackettte up to speed.

Watch out for Safe Planking for Senior Citizens coming to your favourite newspaper soon.

And please share your silver surfing anecdotes. It will make mine seems less hysterical.