Connie Primmer: What it means to be British

I’ve just failed the UK Citizenship test; I got 58%, and the pass mark is 75%. Apparently this means I have ‘insufficient knowledge of the English language or life in the UK to remain’. I’ve managed to remain here for 22 years without the knowledge so I reckon I’ll be alright for a bit longer, but perhaps I shouldn’t be admitting my failings as a citizen quite so publicly in case someone reports me and I do end up on the deportation ferry.
By The Newsroom
Published 13th Oct 2011, 17:36 BST

The worst thing is, I sailed through the quiz quite happily, verging on smug confidence even, thinking that my A in my public affairs exam as a journalism student would see me through.

Unfortunately, it soon transpired that this was not the case.

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I have a history degree and feminist tendencies but still didn’t know that women were only legally granted the right to divorce their husbands in 1857 or that the average hourly rate of pay is 20% less for women than men in the UK (I’m also an optimist so maybe I was hoping this shocking statistic couldn’t be true).

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So based on my alarming ignorance of supposedly ‘general’ knowledge, I’m not English enough, but if you ask me I’m about as English as they get.

I chain-drink tea, say sorry a lot, love a good queue and get frightfully embarrassed if anyone expresses an inappropriate level of emotion.

Knowing random statistics such as the percentage of Muslims in the country doesn’t make you a British citizen, and I’m not just saying that because I failed.

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A raging Nazi lunatic with a fantastic ability to memorise facts could pass the test with flying colours but I’m not sure how many people would welcome him as a British citizen.

It doesn’t seem right that the government can expect those applying for citizenship to know so much about the country they are yet to live in when those who have been here since birth haven’t got a clue.

Just look at some of the morons on reality TV shows who don’t know who the Prime Minister is, whose ignorance turns them into popular culture icons.

We can hardly start booting Brits out of their own country just because they’re a bit thick though.

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As for the immigrants, swotting up on a bit of history and making the effort to find out about the country you want to live in can’t be a bad thing.

Passing the citizenship test certainly doesn’t make you English, but at least it shows you’re willing to embrace the English culture.

Realising the test as it stands is no good, the people of Britain tweeted some brilliant suggestions that Mr Cameron might want to consider for alternative questions, including:

“What has the power to bring the whole country to a standstill? a) General strike b) Major terror attack c) A snowflake?”

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“If a British person begins a sentence “I’m not racist but...” is he a) a racist or b) a massive racist?”

“Discuss the weather without repetition, hesitation or deviation for five minutes”

and my favourite -

“Practical exam - applicants queue for entry to exam hall, an actor portrays a queue-jumper, reactions are graded.”

The responses to the test on Twitter probably said the most about what it means to be British - our sense of humour.

And sadly, that’s not really something you can measure in a test.

Related topics:Prime MinisterTwitter